Yet I Stay.. .

Some people say pain is like a drug that they can't get enough of...an addiction of some sorts that they can't shake. Almost as addicting as love, but pain somehow manages to linger longer than love can. More side effects, more emotions, more feelings. Pain...well pain is life changing.

I sit here writing this post, knowing I'll regret it later when everything's back to normal. Like a rollercoaster ride I'm never able to get off of. Fight, cry, feel the pain, apologize, feel pathetic, pathetic-ness fades, things are happy, forget about the pain, then fight again...then I feel stupid all over for posting anything about my pain, posting subliminally, posting anything that displays to others one of many nights.

I even tried once before to have a diary, because fighting became so frequent, and because I am emotional, it was very hard for me to cope because I felt every emotion so strongly. I'll never forget the long nights that I've had, they're practically engraved in my memories. My most pathetic moments are actually on replay on these nights, as if I'm watching myself in a movie from the outside practically begging me to stop. I see myself already, begging him not to hang up. "Just please talk to me, just a little longer." "C'mon when are you going to talk to me?" And no matter how heartbroken my face is, no matter how many tears stream down my bare face, he still hangs up with not even a second. Looking in at my movie again, I tell myself how can anyone hang up on someone practically begging for a few more moments with tears running down their face? How can I be so cruel or mean to anyone who loves me so much to have to beg me for my time? And then I remember that it is because I am that way...that I have so much love and compassion for others, that is why I am in this position.

More movie clips go by, and to be honest, that to me is a happier clip because at LEAST he was still on FaceTime. The worst clips to replay in my head are seeing what happens after he hangs up. How much self pity and loathing I have for myself. How I would look at my mirror in my most darkest of nights and tell my reflection how much I hated her. How much I hated her for going through this. how much I hated her for having these emotions. An even worse clip? Seeing myself cry so hard that my voice is gone. Having so many tears on my sheets that I can't find a dry spot to sleep on. I would sit on the edge of the bed, and take my nails and scrape as hard as I can into my thighs and legs. I banged my head against the edge of the night post in frustration and pain. None of these things felt comparable to the emotional and psychological pain I was feeling. Somehow I would keep banging my hand anyway to try and match the pain I was in and nothing. Remember how I said pain lingers? It LITERALLY does...the next morning, I still see the side effects throughout the day of what I felt last night. My legs are black and blue throughout. But my most prominent "trophy" for my punishment of my self? My eyes...my swollen chinky eyes that are so puffed up the next morning that I feel like I'm looking through a slit.

Those were some of the worst nights, the nights where I felt the most pathetic. Granted, I now blame this on myself. I look back and see someone talking to me like I'm scum on the sidewalk, and still speak to them calmly, almost begging them to stop being so nasty. Someone is spewing negativities at you, and you take it like a champ? No Cassandra, you're not a champ for that, you're PATHETIC. Even worse, when you realize you felt so strongly about your point, enough to bring it to his attention, and at the end of it all you're in tears and feel like you had no point to begin with? What is this debauchery? Did I really try to make myself better by giving myself credit for letting someone speak to me in that manner and still keeping my composure?

Some of my favorite moments, some that are stained in my membrane (LOL), are of course when I decide to be emotional as per usual. I guess I'm not built like some women where everything just has to slide off my back. Everything sticks, like a dart that you throw against a dartboard. I love when the words can just flow so effortlessly off his tongue, lashing me, hurting me, and the tears slowly start to fall. Now guess what? That's not my favorite part! It's when he tells me, " Cassandra, you're going to cry? Really Cassandra?" "You're so fucking emotional. If you're going to cry, don't talk to me. I don't want to see you cry." Now unlike those cute lines that some guys tell another woman about not wanting to see them cry, this is NOT that line. He literally hangs up, or tells me to stop crying or he WILL hang up, because he doesn't want to talk to his pathetic sobbing girlfriend. He rather just continue to talk to his pathetic girlfriend, sobbing is just extra.

Now when you try every solution, you find yourself reaching. Get a new backbone Cassandra, it's not that serious right? He's right! You do cry for everything! It really is my fault for everything because I get so emotional and I hurt myself more than I used to! I'm a professional practically at knowing exactly how to respond to my "irrational-ness" because I've been told so many times. I can cry, feel hurt and pain, and know exactly what words he would tell me to justify why I feel this way.

Honestly, the crazy part too is that you start to question your own beliefs, your own feelings. Someone makes you out to be irrational long enough, you eventually start to believe that DAMN, you are an irrational woman FOR REAL. I can come to him with a real feeling that I have, that I feel this way because he did this. What it turns into sometimes is worse than even having the feeling in the first place. Suddenly, you pick at everything and turn a minuscule situation into a larger one. Then you end up debating events that happened that proves WHY you shouldn't feel that way. Then you have a rebuttal, that turns into a degrading session, explaining how you're so dumb to think that when indeed...it wasn't even "that". Suddenly you're pathetic for the things you take into account. Then in an effort to correct him on something, you're cutting him off...therefore it WARRANTS him telling you to "Shut the fuck up I'm speaking" and casually continuing the conversation. By the end of it, you're in tears, feeling hurt by all the belittling, demeaning comments about your intelligence and your character. The feeling that you once so strongly had is gone, because there's no way you can beat the facts he just spewed out at you that ALWAYS seem to be 100% true. You're left feeling stupid as hell, just like how he called you. Wow, I should've NEVER felt that way. I didn't even need to think like that. He's RIGHT! That was dumb to think of in that manner.

You ever thought you could have a good point to bring up about how bothered or upset you feel about a topic, then bring it up to the person and then you end up in tears? Like somewhere in expressing how you feel, it becomes how STUPID and how PATHETIC you are for feeling that way? Listen, I have questioned so much of how I genuinely felt that now when I bring up a topic, it's like preparing for a 45 page presentation. Facts only, no emotion, short, concise. Once I get a rebuttal, I let him have it. Rather have that then feel stupid.

Where is my solution you might ask? What have I learned? What is wrong with me? Well, I figured out the solution multiple times to be...BE HEARTLESS. Quite honestly when you're in a position of pain and you see someone appear to constantly be in power after causing you pain, you strive to be like that person. The view of the top from the bottom looks golden. Wow, look how he's never shed a tear over your pain. Look how he can so easily ignore your 32 calls and texts, and how he can just hang up so effortlessly while you're crying like a sad puppy. Seeing someone show you how good they are at having no emotions towards you made me feel like that was the answer. That being just like him will allow myself to not lose sleep, and be so calm and collected all the time. God what I wouldn't give to not shed a tear over him! What I wouldn't give for dry pillowcases, and the ability to sleep peacefully even after a fight like that. So I told myself the answer was to be heartless just like him.

Now that in of itself is extremely hard. From going to feeling everything so deeply and immensely, to being able to not feel an ounce of remorse for my actions. Do you know what type of borderline pathethic-ness and discipline it takes to listen to someone tell you the most hurtful, nastiest things ever and still sit there with tears in your eyes and converse with them as if NOTHING hurtful was said? I may never learn to be heartless, but it seems like the way to go...

I think wanting to be heartless is a long journey! When you grew up in a loving, respectable household, to turn that off and become someone who has been damaged beyond comparison takes consistent pain and sorrow. One thing that I have mastered the art of being however...is pathetic.

Because regardless of all those nights I can count where I flung myself in the room, drove down the Belt Parkway barely seeing the road from tears, the names I've been called, the amount of "shut the fuck ups" I've endured, the amount of times I've been told how emotional, overbearing, and saturating I am... I never leave. Within the next few days, it's all you think about. All that's on your mind, how much you messed up. How this fight is all your fault and thinking of ways to apologize for even getting him mad in the first place. And after he finally talks to you, he does apologize. YES, he apologizes because he's wonderful like that...apologizes for the manner in which he spoke to me. And then everything is good in the neighborhood, the birds are chirping, the dogs are barking. And I forgive him. I always forgive the good man...he's sorry for talking to me like that.

Then things get back to normal, and I'm back to my perky little peppy self again. I am smiling, laughing, everything normal Cassandra will do. Literally living my life as if I wasn't on the floor contemplating my entire existent just a few nights ago. Yeah, I take responsibility for the stupidity of the topic I brought to him. I chalked it up to my emotions. He was SO right...isn't he right most of the time anyway? So I stay...and still love him with every fiber of my being as if he never tore apart every fiber of mine anyway...



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