A Guide for the Young & Broken...

There will be situations in life where we are blinded. We are so blinded by the things that we surround ourselves with, the people who are around us, and the relationships that we have that stay long past the expiration date. I am one of those blinded people. I have not been able to see my way for about two years, and it's the frustration that I had toward my blindness that led me to really divulge myself into another religion. I bought a bible in hopes to find answers that I couldn't answer myself, and to stop going to everyone for advice and talk to God instead. I found some answers, and I discovered things along the way with the help of God, friends, and my own research. When you're going through a tough time, you wouldn't believe how much blogs and forums will be a comfort to you. So many people are often going through exactly the same thing you're going through so you never have to feel alone.

The next couple of blurbs/points/comments are my thoughts and feelings that I have gathered as I found myself in a toxic and abusive relationship for over two years. These of course are not set in stone, and anyone is free to disagree with any of the points made. I was so blinded to trying to make the best out of a situation that I often lost sight of what I knew deep down. I pray you find some type of comfort, answer or even a good read out of this post, and I hope you are able to get out of whatever situation you're in, albeit abusive, toxic, unhealthy, and as simple as just being unhappy.

My first point, and my most important point:


I didn't realize that I didn't KNOW my own self worth until I stuck around in my expired relationship for way past the due date. Knowing your self worth can mean so many things, but the best way I can describe it is as, knowing your value as a human being to the point where you do not accept or tolerate any person or situation that compromises your happiness, value or well-being. It is OKAY to walk away from anything that can no longer serve you, help you grow, or make you happy. I realised that I was so busy trying to make other people happy that I didn't realize no one was nurturing my own happiness, and I was losing myself doing that. You have to be selfish sometimes. You will always come first, and no one else.


This has really scarred me as a 20 year old woman still trying to find who I am. I would laugh at other girls who would let their man talk to them like crap in public, and I told myself I would never be that girl...and then I became her. It took me months of research, doubting myself, crying, praying, and hurting to realize that the way this person spoke to me was WRONG. Without a doubt, it was wrong. You're not fucking stupid, you're not dumb, you're not a klutz. You're not, and sometimes when people are repeating hurtful things over and over to you, you start to believe it. Just because a person is MAD, and you are "the reason" they are mad, doesn't mean you DESERVE to be spoken to in a way that puts you down, disrespects you, or humiliates you. You are a human being, and if you don't talk to someone that way, why should THEY speak to you in that way? You are never to be blamed, and I remember constantly feeling that it was my fault I was spoken to this way. It is never your fault. A person's lack of self control and respect for you would never be on you. They will treat you that way because they are incapable of using other outlets to express their anger in a constructive way that will not hurt another person.

A person ignoring you is also emotional abuse. For any person to withhold communication, sex, information, anything that denies connecting to you for any reason other than to collect ourselves is abuse. Understand that one or two days of not speaking to someone is NORMAL. Sometimes we simply need time apart to cool off and really think out a situation before going into it again. But anything more than 3-4 days is simply childish, and their way of feeling powerful in order for you to chase after them, worry about them, or just wanting to "teach you a lesson". An adult, at least a mature adult would not need 3-4 days to prove a point to their partner. They should be capable of showing that they care by being able to properly communicate.

This is a topic that has scarred me emotionally, and it has been so difficult to really rebuild myself and talk about abuse because I always cry when I talk about it. It is extremely hard to deal with a person who is verbally abusive to you, and even harder to soothe your scars and heal. When you are verbally abused, your scars are not physical, but they're emotional, and takes much more care and nurturing to heal. You need to understand that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and when a person is capable of speaking to you this way one time, understand that you are the reason they will be able to do it a second time. You must put a stop to abusive behavior and let the people you surround yourself UNDERSTAND that it is not something to be compromised with. There can never be a compromise on people that cannot respect you. Love is respect.


If you're ever looking for a really great example of what love is, I encourage you to read and ABSORB this bible verse:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Nowhere in that verse states that love abuses or love hurts. I understand that a relationship is not easy, and it will never be a bed of roses. There will be hard and difficult times, and it can sometimes really put you in less than happy situations. There is a difference however between being hurt in a regular relationship, and hurt in a toxic relationship. It is okay to be upset or hurt over something your partner does, and express the way you feel to them in order to resolve those feelings. It is NOT okay to feel hurt constantly by the repetitive behavior that your partner refuses to change. If they do not care that you are hurt by something, you don't need that. Someone who truly loves you wants to see a happy you, never a hurt you so they would do whatever it takes to change the situation. If they are content with leaving you unhappy or hurt, then they don't care about you. Leave.


It is extremely hard to really dedicate your heart and soul into a relationship if you cannot love yourself first. How can you love someone else or have someone else truly love you if you cannot do the same? It can be hard, but going through certain things will allow you to see what you will tolerate from what you will not accept, and it will become easier to put yourself first. I highly encourage working on yourself first before stepping into a relationship. When you love yourself, you will never allow anyone to hurt, destroy or hinder your integrity, growth or value as a person. You know what you bring to the table, so you won't ever worry about eating alone.


If you feel like you're just not happy and things aren't seeming to get better, then all the signs saying it isn't worth it are probably the best hints you will get. Trust me when I say I know it's so much easier said than done, but sometimes all the answers we are looking for are right in front of our eyes and we just refused to see it. I used to tell my partner that I wish things were this way, and I wish we were like that. I was responded with an answer along the lines of telling me that I wish for a fantasy, or I'm not patient enough and that it will come in time. Never allow someone to tell you that what you want isn't realistic. Often times, people that find the healthy and happy relationships to be unrealistic are people that are guilty of being the reason WHY you aren't in a healthy and happy relationship in the fist place. No relationship is perfect, but it IS possible to have a relationship that will have you feeling fulfilled, appreciated, loved, and adored EVERYDAY. I was once told that I only desire fairytales...but I realised that it IS possible, I was just hearing those words from a person that is INCAPABLE of giving it to me. If you find yourself really questioning your happiness, value, self-worth, confidence or security, more times than not, you already know what to do...


This somewhat relates to my prior point, but if you feel like it is SO hard to simply be happy in your relationship, then maybe it wasn't meant for you. I would wonder why I couldn't be called beautiful, had little surprises, little treats, small acts of chivalry, just things that would make me smile a little extra hard once in a while. You are NEVER supposed to compare your situations to someone else, but if you realise that your partner has fallen short on  making you happy, then its time to wake up. I would wish and pray constantly for him to love me more, or adore me more, or to make me feel missed, or like I meant something. I was treated just regular...and if you ever feel like you are treated just like a regular person, you are SETTLING. Never settle for someone that treats you like you are ordinary.


You are a Queen. So don't ever ever settle for someone that cannot realise that. And by a Queen, I don't mean that a man is supposed to give you that title. You must enter your relationship as a Queen, and it is a man's job to RECOGNISE your crown, not issue it to you. You DESERVE to have someone text you "Good morning beautiful" every freaking day. You deserve the random flowers, the love letters written to you, the once a month flowers, the sneak hugs from behind, those cute little hoodies he lets you borrow. You deserve to be have someone loyal, someone that makes you the apple of their eye EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You deserve someone that appreciates and loves you for exactly who you are. You do not need to change who you are to satisfy their needs. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and he KNOWS that. He is the type of man you would want for your daughter. A man that respects you each and every single day, in front of your back and behind your back. A man that loves you without a shadow of doubt, a man that PRAYS for you, and wants more for you than what he wants for himself. IT ISN'T A FAIRYTALE. There are men out there waiting for you. God needs us to be patient. He needs us to wait to find that person, because the person that God sends to you is not the person you went trying to find. You need to find and understand what love means through the pages of a Bible, and not through pictures and fake companionships we find online. We need to understand that the love He has for us is greater than any love we can look for in a man, and that we must wait patiently for it. Understand that if one man cannot bring you what you need, there are surely a hundred other men that are capable of it. And the most important lesson of all, the quote that gives me hope when all seems bleak...


So don't worry your soul about being extra loving. Don't spend your time like I did for so long wishing you loved a person less or cared less simply because you were put in a position where being that way hurt you more than it helped you. Be the weed in the sidewalk that still grows despite their circumstances...it will pay off one day I promise. You will find someone that love you exactly how you are. You will never have to feel hurt for loving too much because there will be someone that will appreciate and reciprocate the love you have for them in all the right ways, and be capable of loving you in the exact same way if not better. Keep being true to yourself, keep being loving, and kind and keep being a great PERSON. We will eventually all get the love that we deserve, NOT the love that we ASK for, not the love we WANT, but the kind of love that you have to give someone else.

I hope this helps someone out there, and brings you some type of peace in whatever situation you're in. I have tattooed on me, "This too shall pass..." as a reminder to myself that I will be able to overcome and get through any situation I go through. It does get easier, and even though it is extremely difficult right now, but just keep praying and have faith that God is handling it, and watch all that happens...

-Cassandra <3


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